Self-care for the stretched-thin
Shit that actually helps humans human - no hour long morning routines required.
Unpopular opinion — optimising may actually mean doing less.
My Substack is full of gorgeous humans muddling through the thick of it. Mamas in the time & energy scarce trenches. Neuro-spicies frequently low on spoons. Those navigating grief, identity shifts, career changes, autoimmune disorders, menopause. People very much deserving of some TLC & often running on not enough of it.
& lets be real, when you’re navigating any or all of the above, knowing how to squeeze in some self care, in the age of wellbeing-is-work can be confusing & damn hard.
I’m a yoga teacher & breath work coach who’s done a near-absurd amount of research on the nervous system, our hormones, the connection of wellbeing with the gut biome, this list gets long. One who is very much against the idea that wellness needs to be complicated or another source of pressure. In a world of complex morning routines & ten step optimisation yadayadas I really just want to shake the globe & watch a gentler, simpler form of self love settle. Not in the least because just taking the pressure off is fucking effective.
I also have an eight month old who’s learning to walk this past month & has subsequently forgotten how to sleep. We’ve had about four decent nights since early April. I’m not at all hanging on by a thread.
Ha. Help me.
So I’ve not been enjoying hour long asana practices or meditative breath work sessions. I’ve barely been moving asides of carrying my 10kg ball-of-love weight vest around as he screams from his own nap-resistant-exhaustion, tidying the daily baby bombsite that is my living room & multiple daily walks with the stroller. I’d love to be treating myself to a monthly massage with the magic lady down the road but maternity pay is up, I simply can’t rationalise the expense, so I rub Argan oil into my shoulders for a few minutes when I find the time instead.
Small, steady acts of consistency & love turned inwards is the basis of much of what I’ve taught in 1:1’s over the years & indeed largely what this Substack is built around but as I write long form, these important nuggets of goodness are being stretched across different articles & different recorded practices & so, this article, is going to be a little different.
This one’s for the no bones days. A simple grab box of the things you can actually turn to when you’re stretched thin & so is the thread you’re hanging on by, backed by enough science & philosophy to earn their place on the list without over-intellectualising any of it.
Start wherever. Return as many times as you need.
Breath
The fastest, most accessible tool you have & the one most people forget about completely until someone like me just won’t shut up about it.
Your breath is the only autonomic function — the only thing your body does automatically to keep you alive — that you can consciously control. Which makes it the most direct line available between your conscious mind & the nervous system that is constantly running the show.
Three fast-acting practices. All doable whilst rotting on the couch, over a sink full of dishes, brow furrowed behind a screen at work or bouncing a baby back to sleep with your teeth clenched at 3:46am.
Exhale longer than your inhale. Inhale for four counts, exhale for eight. Inhale for two & exhale for four if that’s all you can manage. That’s it. The extended exhale directly stimulates the vagus nerve & signals to the brain that the immediate threat has passed. Three rounds & something will shift. Not everything. But likely enough that you’ll carry on for more than three rounds.
The physiological sigh. A double inhale through the nose — one long & rich, the second a sharp sniff — then a long slow exhale through the mouth. your nervous system rewards gold stars if you let out sound with the exhale. An audible sigh as you completely deflate the lungs. Researchers at Stanford identified this as the most efficient breath pattern for rapidly reducing physiological stress. Your body already knows this one as it’s the involuntary breath that follows a really good sob.
Box breathing. Four counts in. Four counts hold. Four counts out. Four counts hold. Slower to work but deeper & more long-lasting in its effect. Used by surgeons, navy seals, first responders & me to no-end — people whose nervous systems need to function under conditions that would floor a lot of people.
Which right now, may well be you.
Body
Grief, stress, exhaustion & the accumulated weight of navigating a life that demands we keep going regardless — all of it lives in the body. It’s not a metaphor, stress is alive in your tissues. Which means sometimes the most useful thing is not to think your way through it but to move.
Shake it out. Stand with your feet hip width apart, soften the knees & begin to bounce — gently, barely perceptibly. Let it travel upward. Don’t direct it. Shaking is the nervous system’s built in mechanism for discharging stress & it works whether you believe in it or not.
Put on a favourite song & dance to the full length of it. Wildly, till your laughing or crying. Alone with the curtains closed if necessary. With a friend if you want to double the seratonin production of it. Four minutes of this will shift something in you that an hour of scrolling or your best attempts to reflect on what you’re feeling will not. Dancing is one of the only things we do as adults that grows new brain cells so there’s that fun fact.
The hot baptism of a shower. Not a quick rinse. A proper, standing under the warm waterfall in your home for longer than is necessary shower. Let the heat do its work. Let the water wash away all the sins you somehow managed not to commit this week. The temperature change, the sensory input, the privacy of it — all useful. Extra gold stars from the nervous system if you hum / sing while you do so, this incites vagal toning & activates the parasympathetic nervous system fast.
Tap your sternum, chest & collarbones. Gently, rhythmically, with your fingertips. This stimulates the thymus gland & sends signals through the chest that interrupt the stress response. If it’s all feeling a bit timid & non-effective bang on your chest like a gorilla & let whatever sound wants to come out, come out. Think King-Kong baby, let loose. Yes, it looks strange. Yes, it works.
Go for a walk. Not to up your step count or listen to a podcast about productivity, mindfulness or how to want to scream less. Just to move your body through space & let the bilateral rhythm of it — left, right, left, right — do the powerful neurological work of creating stillness through motion.
Cry. Not to piss you off or anything but you’re actually allowed to not be the super strong one all the time & contrary to popular opinion crying isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s biologically intelligent. We literally leak cortisol in our tears (not cutting-an-onion tears, wildly those have a completely different make-up to actually-letting-it-out tears) & while cortisol is best known as ‘the stress hormone’, it’s actually the hormone that signals the end of stress. Meaning every time you let loose & cry, your body & brain gets the green light of ‘we’re okay, we’re safe’ & that cues a snowball of physiological effects that downgrade the level of stress we’re existing with. You don’t need to try & bring on a breakdown, put on your favourite sad movie or that song that really gets you in the feels, scribble a painful truth you’ve been resisting in to your journal. Just let some of what you’re holding out.
Nature
Your nervous system evolved outside. It doesn’t find fluorescent lighting & indoor air particularly soothing, it never has & likely never will.
If you’re lucky enough to have a garden — go sit your ass in it. Better yet dig your hands into it. The microbial diversity in healthy soil has been shown to increase serotonin production. You’re not dallying, you’re not even gardening, you’re medicating.
If there’s a park, a lake, a beach, a small stretch of trees within reasonable distance — spend time in it. Your book reads just as well there as on your couch. Your notes write just as well on a bench as they do in your home office. The work / your projects / your passions won’t suffer & you benefit enormously.
& if you can do any of the above barefoot, do it barefoot.
Connection
The nervous system is a social organ. It regulates itself partly through the proximity of other nervous systems that are not in crisis — which is a very scientific way of saying that other people help, even when you most want to hide.
Call the friend who makes you laugh until your ribs ache. Go see your mama if you’re lucky enough to still have her around. Reach out to that person who always leaves the lovely comment on your Substack. Make time to hug your partner for longer than feels necessary — twenty seconds is the research-backed minimum for oxytocin release, which is to say the hug that counts is the one that goes on slightly past the point of comfort.
You don’t have to perform being okay. You just have to let someone be nearby.
Time alone
This can be incredibly difficult to encounter if you happen to be attached to a baby 22 hours a day or are a caregiver of some other sort. The application of it also requires a level of discernment that can be challenging as sometimes — as listed above — what we need is real, human (animals are good too) connection. BUT I have turned down oh so many social engagements in this past month, ones that a less tired version of myself would love to attend yet I had to accept & even more annoyingly vocalise that actually recharging in this stretched thin season looks more like time by myself in any quiet I can find than stimulation & socialisation. The discernment to put off projects, people & passions in favour of a desperately needed nap or even just a few minutes starfished on my carpet staring at the ceiling. For me this has meant asking for help (which theres a whole lil section on below) & I implore you, should your body & mind be begging for a little time — even twenty minutes is highly impactful — with no external demands on your nervous system, find a way to make it happen.
Creativity
For the love of existence, make something with your hands that has nothing to do with productivity or output or the algorithm or anyone else’s opinion.
Kimchi. A bullet journal spread nobody will ever see. A collage — pretend you’re eight years old, cut up a home & garden magazine & make something totally pointless & completely soul enriching that’s a visual representation of what you want your life to feel like. Write something for the pure relief of the spill rather than the gratification of a reader.
The act of making something — anything — activates the parts of the brain associated with reward, focus & self expression simultaneously. It’s not a luxury, an uproductive way to spend time or procrastination. It’s energetic maintenance.
Ask for help
I’ve left this one for last because it’s at least for me, though I believe for many, the most challenging. It’s a demand on mindset rather than a simple action. I have (always had) what I refer to as ‘the wonder woman complex’ — an innate belief that I can do anything. Yes all by myself, against all odds, until physically proven otherwise. & yes over the moons this has caused more than a fair share of physical injury & mental suffering beyond what needed to be.
I don’t remember what my mama said when I was sat on the end of her bed at 16, I only remember my response was thinking ‘wow, you really can’t ask for help & that really hinders you’ & the immediate recognition that it was a trait I’d inherited. I have over the years done a lot of frustratingly slow, steady work on being able to ask for help & made great progress with it. I’m still not a pro at it, I’m not sure anyone is. What I know is that asking for help gets even harder when we most need it. So here’s a plea from me to you.
Reach out — Your partner, your friend, your therapist, whoever. Make it known that you’re struggling, your superhuman capabilities aren’t lessened any & you’ll be beautifully surprised at who & how they whip into action to lend a hand.
May this land to someone it’s meant for.
Big love & big breaths to you all.
If this or any of my work has been useful to you & you'd like to keep me caffeinated or indeed, help me get a massage from the magic lady down the road
As a fellow healer/researcher/overwhelmed human, I'd add these: softening the belly and breathing in to it. This is more of a letting than doing. You're not inflating the hell out of the lower abdomen, you're putting the palm(s) of a hand or hands on the area between belly button and pubic bone (Lower TanTien), relaxing/softening the belly (let it hang out, totally soft and relaxed) and letting your breath 'find' your palms. Now, in reality, the lungs don't go down that far. What you're really doing is learning to relax the diaphragm so all of the internal organs above it get more space, especially making more room for the lungs (most of us don't habitually breathe all the way down to the bottom of the 2nd lobe on the left side, and bottom of the 3rd lobe on thee right side), but the intention of 'breathing into' that lower belly space is what does it. Bonus - do the same with love handles, or where you'd have love handles if you don't have 'em - put the palms of your hands there, and 'find' them with the breath. And then put then hands on your back, at the kidneys (base of ribcage (last two ribs), and right below), on either side of the spine, and let the breath find that place too - you can get to the point when this place softens and then inflates and really feel it! When you learn to breath into your deep belly, it also tells the body there's no danger, and breathing into the kidney points can energize and relax simultaneously. The love handle points are good intermediary points because if you get all three, belly, love handles, and kidneys, you can master inflating an 'innertube' all the way around your body, and that can really help the diaphragm loosen and the lungs breathe deeply, while also massaging basically all of the internal organs.
This is medicine.
Thank
You